Time marches on

I'm feeling old guys.

 

Its finally starting to hit home that I'm not that young guy anymore. My Teenage years seem to be drifting further and further away and in a couple of months time I will fall into the category of mid-20's.

 

And, to be honest, I'm having issues with it.

 

See, I have friends who had issues turning 20, many more had issues with 21 and then I think people just started to accept that it was happening. Me, I had no issues with the ages I just let them roll on by. 22, that was cool with me as well. 23 though, I kinda pretended that it didn’t happen. I still catch myself saying 'I'm 22' when someone asks, and then embarrassingly having to retract the statement and say 'no, sorry I'm 23, I keep forgetting'.

 

But now, in a matter of months, I will be 24. That to me is absurd. Couldn’t they give me a little more time to get used to 23 before throwing another year at me. What's wrong with letting me just chill out for a bit.

 

The issue is the labelling thing. I am no longer young, I can no longer be called a boy, a lad, a kid. I will be 'mid-twenties'.

 

And I guess what scares me more is that I don’t think I have achieved everything I am supposed to have achieved.

 

By your mid 20's all the psychologists (bronfenbrenner, Freud, Piaget) all say you should have started to be come financially secure, you should have experimented with and been in a meaningful long term relationship and you should know who you are and where your heading.

 

But I can only tick off 2 of the 3 there. Financially, I still live like a teenager, I like to spend money. I haven't made any significant gains in wealth over the last 5 years, that’s not so say I live pay day to pay day, but I certainly wouldn’t say I was financially secure.

 

Long term meaningful relationship…. yeah right. I haven't managed to meet anyone I want to introduce to my mother yet, let alone get into a relationship with meaning, other then the overnight kind.

 

So, what do I do? Do I say, lets accept the age and start to fulfil the criteria? Get a boyfriend, save some money, settle down and start having my parents over for roast chicken dinners?

 

Or, so I pave my own way, keep partying and hanging with friends, stay single and keep spending up large?

 

Can I keep telling people I'm 22?

 

This can only get worse!

Profound?

I was just talking to the receptionist at my work, who can sometimes be a bit aloof, but I found this little jem in the middle of the muddle.

 

Its quite profound if you think about it.

 

 

"I was lying down dreaming, but dreaming of the things I want to dream of, so really they're just thoughts"

 

 

Draft posts??

So I was just looking through all the posts I have made on the blog in the god knows how long since it started. And I have some drafts sitting there, so I was reading them and wondering why I left them as drafts..... so I decided to post them. Some arent finished, some are. But ya can read them anyway.. oh and what I particularly like is the titles I have them:

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04/11/2007 - Are they all swimming

So, I moved out of home. Oh yes I did, into the big bad world of freedom, random displays of nakedness and rampant alcoholism.

So far I feel like Ive spent my life vaccuming, cross stiching and cleaning up ungodly amount of cat poos from a cat with an upset stomach.

Life is grand. Just poorer. But still grand.

I moved into this flat last weekend, with Snappy Quixi and G. So far so good, we are all getting along fine, though we only see each other for a few hours a day due to random work times.

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17/06/2007 - Still not convinced

This is one of those random stories.

About 3 years ago I got a text from a random person asking for a hook up. I didnt have the number in my phone and so I sent a message back asking who it was. The reply I got was 'Benjy'. I didnt know any benjy's but being bored I played along. So we txt back and forth for a bit, in fact quite a lot. It was free txting in those days you see.

It then became quite routine for us to txt each other. I am a bit of a sceptic though and without actually meeting the guy I still have suspicions that its someone I know playing a long running joke on me. But thats fine, many a bored hour have been spent replying to these txts and I have always been careful to not give out too much information. But as you can imagine after txting for 3 years you do end up getting to know each other quite well.

This guy lives in a city about 2 hours up north of mine and as neither of us really have a reason to go to each others city our paths have never actually crossed. But still we chat away.

He txt me tonight, I havent heard from him in a while and so it got me thinking. It was then that I realised that we have been talking for about 3 years. That is truly random. One day I suppose I will have to actually meet this guy. But I dont know if I really want to. Hes kinda just the person at the end of the txt messages that talks to me about shit when we are both bored and is always keen for a chat.

I dont see any harm in it, but if it wasnt happening to me I would think it totally weird.

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18/03/2007 - Totally Crap Day

I got abused by a customer today. She was a bitch. Apparently she objected to having to wait in line for 5 minutes while I served someone else so she yelled and screamed and made a right scene.

I think what really pissed her off is that the girl serving beside me was in the middle of a conversation with a customer in Cantonese so she had no idea what they were talking about and me and the customer I was serving know each other quite well (through work) so were laughing and talking about being hung over.

In any case, she totally pissed me off.

It is hot security guard day today though. Grrrr that whole thing is pissing me off, or frustrating me is more to the point.

He came to the door today with the other guard and they were both making motions in my direction. I am so sick of it that I just refused to go open the door so I just stayed leaning where I was watching them. One of the girls went and opened it and as they walked in they both looked at me and said hey and then hot security guard went red (flushed cheeks). This is across the branch, there is no need to say hi to anyone and I wasn't close to them. So they walk to the strong room and he turned 4 times to look at me. I wasn't showing any reaction until the fourth one when I finally said hows it going and he was like yeah good. By this time he was totally going red. His friend wasn't he was just laughing. So he looked up at me again as he walked in to the strong room and held the gaze as he went in.

Then when they came out I was still in the same place and just stared at me the whole was back to the door. Him and his friend stopped at the door and has a quiet conversation about something and then his friend left leaving him to close the door again. So he turned round and said 'See you bro' (which sounds hotter the it does on paper) and gave me a huge smile and then turned and left.

Fucking wanker.

Now it has never been more obvious to everyone else that something was going on. Once he left everyone went 'oh my god, he wouldn't stop looking at you'. I'm totally not kidding, it was obvious as and this was all going on across the branch, it wasn't private, it wasn't quiet, it was obvious and everyone noticed. So now the girls who thought he was straight now reckon he totally wants me and I reckon he is just the worlds biggest cock tease.

I don't know what to make of it. Option one is that he actually is interested (perhaps I'm just to dumb to realise that anyone could actually be interested in me) and is waiting for me to make the first move. Option two is that he is a tease, a really good one, but a tease all the same. But if he was a tease, would he go red?

I was thinking about it and I should have just said across the branch as he was at the door "so are you going to give me your number" I mean then the whole thing is so public that its almost funny. Put the guy on the spot and all that.

K I'm just rambling now, totally frustrated.

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23/09/2006 - Pineapple Lump?

Alrighty then....
(This is gonna be way more diary then actually good reading but here we go)

So we left at 8:30am on Wednesday, the trip down to the mountain is supposed to take about 4 to 4.5 hours. We took 8 and a bit.
We were planning on driving straight there and getting in some afternoon skiing on the first day but die to some unscheduled stops we were running a bit behind time. I swear the tyre needed to be changed in Matamata.
We decided that since it was about 11:30 and we were only half way there that we would divert and go to Rotavegas and have some luging fun. Rotarua has a massive mountain and down the sides of it is a luge, I havent been in years so it was really good fun. It was just me Quixi and G at this stage. We stayed there for a few hours and had a great time. It was wicked sunny so was a really nice day to be on the mountain.

Then we headed to the mountain via Taupo, which apparently unbeknowenst to me is the long way, but thats ok. I like driving.

H and JP arrived a couple of hours after us after sleeping all day, they only took 4 hours to get there.

We skiied the second day, it was awesome. I am so not a skiier though. The mountain is called Mount Ruapehu, there is 2 ski fields, we were staying on the Turoa side and the other side is called Whakapapa (Yes, that is actually pronounced Fuck-a-papa). So naturally as we were on the Turos side the weather deicded to pack in and we had to drive round to Whakapapa in the morning, a good 45 minute drive, although if you drive like H then you cut that trip back to about 20, crazy bastard.

We arrived at Whakapapa and after we had risen above the clouds it was actually a really nice looking day on the mountain, although it did pack in a few times. So out frist run was down the learners slopes called Happy Valley. I hadnt Skiied much before so wasnt sure how I would go. I was surprised to find that I did quite well on my first run down, I stayed standing and even managed to control my speed and stop at the bottom. So buoyed on by this I decided to tackle to the lower mountain. Well, that was a huge mistake. Evidentally Happy valley may as well be uphill compared to the lower mountain. I started out and was doing alright before I realised that I had no way of stopiing, so I crouched and picked up so much speed I was sure my face looked like a naked ladys breats when shes parachuting. I went flying by everyone and then decided rather stupidly that I needed to stop so I spyed a small rise at the edge of the track and headed for it. To my surprise small rises in snow dont actually slow you down, you simply fly up them. I was halfway up before I realised that there was about a 5 metre drop down to a cabin at the end of this rise and that it was actually there as a buffer so people stayed on the designated track. So I was left with one option.... fall.... so I fell, hard. I landed very ungracefully and spent the next 10 minutes trying to get my skiis off so I could untangle my legs. Once I got up I was away again though and paying no attention to what I had just learnt went flying back down the mountain. Now there is a steep slope and a not-so-steep slope, naturally as I sped down the mountain I had only seconds to choose a slope and decided that it was alot easier to get onto the steep one..... so I did. I ended that run in a heap on the ground, chest heaving and legs screaming in pain. Then a 5 year old girl came skiing on past me and simply turned a little and skidded to a nice stop , she proceeded to take her skiis of and throw them over her shoulder and walk off. It was at this point I decided that I would have to go back to Happy valley and learn all over again, but first there were more pressing issues, cigarettes :)
If you have ever tried smoking on top of a mountain in the snow then you know just how retarded it looks. You have to take your gloves off or you wont be able to hold your smoke and then light it with a now trembling hand. You stand there trying yor hardest to breathe in the smoke through numb lips and numb fingers. It is so so stupid, but strangely, so so satisfying (rather like a snickers)
So I did some more runs in Happy Valley and managed to jump on a chair lift with a really hot guy who just happened to be rather talkative and a very good snow boarder, so he gave me a quick 5 minute lesson on how to ski and the took off, I didnt see him again after that... sigh.
Now I have to tell you, I hate chair lifts and gondollas and anything that leaves yu having fro a steel cable suspended in mid air. Being at the snow and not wanting to walk up mountains however left me with no alternative but to use the fucking chair lifts. Im a terrible claustrophobic, and I suppose a control freak. The fact that I have no coontrol over this little seat making its way up this mountain side freaks me out more then I can say. Of course the higher you climb the windier it gets.... the weather on this particular day just happened to be mother fucking windy so the chair lift was swinging from side to side. Aggghhhh freaks me out, I seriously gonna die on one of those things.... or on the road out to Piha.

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So there ya go, truth be told I have only skimmed them, so maybe they say things about me that they shouldnt, or things about other people? There is bound to be a reason they didnt make it to print.... but right now I dont care. Lets just print em!!

Not for the faint hearted.

So I posted this a couple of night back and left it up for about 12 hours then I decided I would take it down again. Why? I dont know, just didnt feel like sharing. But now I dont care.

DISCLAIMER: If you know me in real life you dont want to read this post. Seriously, you dont. Stop being curious and just leave, you will regret it.


It makes me feel better to write things down. I think that was the attraction to blogging in the first place. I have always been a writer. I never kept things that i wrote though, mainly because when I looked back at them I was so embarrassed by my flow of consciousness that I didn't want to see it again. Blogging has therefore been a strange road to take. Letting everything be out there and be seen.

I remember when I was younger, and by younger I mean at school, I used to write letters to friends. Letters were the thing to do back then though. Me and the girls would write letters during class fold them up and give to them to each other at lunch time. Sit there and read them in front of one another. We could have used that time talking about stuff, but somehow the letters felt more personal. I think that the great thing about writing you don't get distracted. When you talking to someone they often feel the need to show empathy for you so they throw in an anecdote of two, you lose your train of thought and you don't say what you wanted to say originally.

In any case, writing is my outlet for things that get me down. So I'm venting.

It is 12.30 at night and I have a pounding headache. Headaches affect me more then most because I don't usually get them. I could count on one hand the number of headaches I had last year. But when I get them they feel horrible, I think its just not a pain I am used to.

But why am I awake at this time of night? Knowing I have to be up for work in 5 hours? Well I cant sleep, too much on my mind. Or rather I don't want to lie down and attempt to sleep for fear I will think about today's events.

You see today I had the worse sex of my life. That sounds trivial, it is almost certainly hilarious for those who didn't live it. But I feel disgusting. It was consensual so I can hardly complain.

So I was having a few sad moments sitting at home today, nothing in particular, just wasn't having a fun day. Then this guy on the Internet messaged me and I was horny and he just happened to catch me at a vulnerable moment. So uncharacteristicaly I decided 'yeah a lil sex will go down nicely'. How I wish I could take that back now.

So he came round.

When he got here he didn't look all the much like his profile pic, but then I kinda understand that, everyone picks the nicest pic of themselves. Truth be told he wasn't my type, not even a little bit, but he was there, in my house now, I couldn't say no go home. Could I ?? Well according to Snappy, yes I could, and in future, yes I shall. Though there will be no future because I am going to be a priest. No more sex ever for me.

So we awkwardly head up stairs and it begins, as it does. Awkward. Clumsy. I wasn't into it, so I didn't really know what to do. I didn't particularly want to touch is cock, I didn't particularly want him touching mine. How I managed an erection I will never know. How I kept it up, I also will never know.

Long story short, and minus the GORY details. It was foul. Repulsive.

The guy had eczema on his ass cheeks. I kid you not. It was not a good look. In fact I nearly dry retched. How the hell could I go near that! He constantly sucked down amyl. If you know me I hate drugs, and amyl is one in my book. And he was all round just foul. So I decided, in my obviously infinite wisdom the only way I can avoid having to actually suck his cock is to just top him and get it all over with. So with the conviction of a man at work, and with thoughts of Zac Efron on my mind it began.

All I'm going to say is that some boys need to clean.

So then a few minutes in and with me struggling to maintain composure and my lunch in my stomach he moans a little and cums. Now the issue here is that there was no warning. He didn't say 'Hey, I'm going to cum, can I have a tissue' he just came. He came all over my fucking Duvet. That's right, all over it. With that said I was happy he came and I didn't have to do any more work. Composure was falling quickly.

So I cleaned myself up, politely suggested he find the door and got rid of him.

Notice I made no mention of myself cumming. That's because I didn't. I was utterly repulsed. I was as limp as a wet piece of lettuce.

So he left. I now had some work to do. So I raced to the shower and I cleaned. I cleaned like a mad man. So much to clean! Every part of me felt disgusting. I went through half a bottle of mouth wash. I needed everything cleaned! I was like a woman possessed! So once I was clean I went about destroying my duvet. Yes that's right, I removed said duvet and put it in the rubbish. Dirty fuck cummin on my nice duvet! Then I looked at the floor, cum had dripped from the duvet to the floor. So it was downstairs and on with a glove. Back up with warm water and the strongest cleaning product I could find. Scrubbing the floor.

Once it was all clean I went outside and I had a cigarette, and then another and then a rum and then another.

I swear there will be no more sex for me. Ever. You have it in writing.

Oh and I deleted my Internet profile. Right now I feel so dirty and ick I cant even look in the mirror.

Oh and of course, we all know how paranoid I am about EVERYTHING. My newest worry is that he may have had something. Maybe AIDS. I did ask, he said he was clean. I used a condom and It was safe and all that. But there's a risk. I wont be able to sleep well till I'm tested. I'm like that, I like to ruin my life by worrying about things. I dont usually worry about these things after sex, but he was just so wrong. Oh fiddlesticks!

Oh good god. I need to sleep. I don't want to think though. Can someone smack me over the head with a hammer, give me a nice rest!

So anyway, there ya have it. Sorry you all had to read that but its kinda therapy for me though. I need to get it out. I need to be clean. I need to be a priest.

Best of Intentions

I decided today was going to be the star of a new Health Kick. Every so often I go through these fazes where I want to get healthier, eat better, exercise more (or even little) and generally start treating my body as the temple it should be. I generally do quite well before hitting a rough patch and then veging on fatty cheese sandwiches. Have I ever told you how much I love cheese??

 

So, today was the start of the new health kick. It off to a rocky start. You see I have a bet going with Snappy that I will quit smoking, I mean quit the habit once and for all. He in turn must quit using internet dating sites. I know, that doesn’t sound like a fair trade off, and in my opinion its not, quitting smoking is much harder. But he spends way too much time on internet dating sites looking for tomorrows shag and so he decided that would be his sacrifice. Besides he engineered the whole plan, not me, so he has no one to blame but himself. But in any case, quitting smoking has been going very well so far, I'm on day 3. Day 3 means that its time to get the rest of the health in order too, hence the health kick.

 

Now, I was reading yesterday that one of the best ways to increase your metabolism is to exercise in the morning, it gets the system going for the day and makes you fee fab. So I decided that sounded like a plan and committed to walking in the morning. Naturally seen as I wake up at 6 already this mean setting my alarm to 5.30am. But I committed to it, and decided it was worth it. I am basically sick of looking at all the beautiful people running round shitless on beaches in summer and shagging other beautiful people stupid and me being all self conscious. Its time to end!

 

So 5.30 came. I woke up and I looked at the alarm clock and after a couple of seconds realised why it was so early. So I got up. And I felt good. Really good. I decided I would do my normal routine of turning my computer monitor on, checking my e-mails and all that jazz. So I stood over my computer punching in passwords and pins and usernames at 5.30am and then doubt started to creep in. You see its muggy here at the moment, the nights are horrible for sleeping, they are just so warm. The morning however are nice, they are cool and you can relax, it’s a beautiful thing. So I was thinking about how nice the temperature was and how nice it would be to just lie down and relax and enjoy it and then before I knew it I had reset my alarm for 6.15 and I was back in bed curled up in a ball savouring what was to be 45 minutes more of beautiful fattening sleep.

 

But I felt guilty. That little voice inside my head was saying you need to go for a walk!! Just do 10 minutes on the rowing machine. Your already awake, just do it. I listened, I listened well. But slowly that little voice got quieter and quieter as the beautiful sound of silent sleep set in. And before I knew it my alarm clock was going off again. 45 minutes had passes and I felt like crap.

 

I should have gotten up at 5.30 and walked.

 

There's always tomorrow right??

 

 

Special Birthday Edition!

Everyone needs to say Happy Birthday to Jem!!

 

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday Dear Jem

Happy Birthday to you!!

 

Hip Hip Hooray!!

 

So, Jem, as you all know, because you pay attention, right? Is over in UK exploring the world and making new friends. So I cant be there to give her a big hug and a smack on the cheek. Is there anyone in London who feels like doing this for me? It would be much appreciated. I'm sure Jem would love the idea of a random gay Englishman taking her out to dinner. Oh yes she would!!

 

So, everyone click the 'Make a comment' button down the bottom and help me wish Jem a happy birthday!

 

(Oh and don’t take it personally if no one does Jem, its not that they don’t love you, they just don’t love me)

 

Love you Jem, have a FAB day, wish I could be there. Missing you lots and millions, see you soon hopefully ;)

 

 

Wee ittle bitty rant on a Tuesday

I'm not a huge spelling and Grammar freak. We all know this because I'm not too fussed about wether I spell check the blog or not.

 

But in saying that, I can spell. I can spell well. Naturally there are a few words I get stuck on, but in general it is safe to say I handle the English language well. Most of the errors in the blog are typos', as in I'm a lazy typist, I never learnt to touch type properly, so I made up my own method. It works well, though my right hand is vastly over-worked, but then its used to being over-worked ;)

 

But there is one typo that I just cant handle and I'm only bitching because I have seen it so much recently. Maybe I've only just become aware of it. But it’s the mixing up of TO and TOO.

 

Seriously, could there be an easier spelling error to make?

 

I was reading the herald today and I saw the same error 3 times. I didn’t save them to prove it and I'm not going back through to find them and prove it. Bu trust me its there.

 

What I don’t get is how people can confuse TO and TOO. They are so different.

 

Lets get the dictionary definition shall we. Ok lets!!

 

*******OK I never knew there were so many deinfitions for 'to'******

 

TO    

1.	(used for expressing motion or direction toward a point, person, place, or thing approached and reached, as opposed to from): They came to the house.

 

2.	(used for expressing direction or motion or direction toward something) in the direction of; toward: from north to south.

 

3.	(used for expressing limit of movement or extension): He grew to six feet.

 

4.	(used for expressing contact or contiguity) on; against; beside; upon: a right uppercut to the jaw; Apply varnish to the surface.

 

5.	(used for expressing a point of limit in time) before; until: to this day; It is ten minutes to six. We work from nine to five.

 

6.	(used for expressing aim, purpose, or intention): going to the rescue.

 

7.	(used for expressing destination or appointed end): sentenced to jail.

 

8.	(used for expressing agency, result, or consequence): to my dismay; The flowers opened to the sun.

 

9.	(used for expressing a resulting state or condition): He tore it to pieces.

 

10.	(used for expressing the object of inclination or desire): They drank to her health.

 

11.	(used for expressing the object of a right or claim): claimants to an estate.

 

12.	(used for expressing limit in degree, condition, or amount): wet to the skin; goods amounting to $1000; Tomorrow's high will be 75 to 80°.

 

13.	(used for expressing addition or accompaniment) with: He added insult to injury. They danced to the music. Where is the top to this box?

 

14.	(used for expressing attachment or adherence): She held to her opinion.

 

15.	(used for expressing comparison or opposition): inferior to last year's crop; The score is eight to seven.

 

16.	(used for expressing agreement or accordance) according to; by: a position to one's liking; to the best of my knowledge.

 

17.	(used for expressing reference, reaction, or relation): What will he say to this?

 

18.	(used for expressing a relative position): parallel to the roof.

 

19.	(used for expressing a proportion of number or quantity) in; making up: 12 to the dozen; 20 miles to the gallon.

 

20.	(used for indicating the indirect object of a verb, for connecting a verb with its complement, or for indicating or limiting the application of an adjective, noun, or pronoun): Give it to me. I refer to your work.

 

21.	(used as the ordinary sign or accompaniment of the infinitive, as in expressing motion, direction, or purpose, in ordinary uses with a substantive object.)

 

22.	Mathematics. raised to the power indicated: Three to the fourth is 81 (34 = 81).

–adverb

23.	toward a point, person, place, or thing, implied or understood.

 

24.	toward a contact point or closed position: Pull the door to.

 

25.	toward a matter, action, or work: We turned to with a will.

 

26.	into a state of consciousness; out of unconsciousness: after he came to.

—Idiom

27.	to and fro. fro (def. 2).

 

Now for 'Too'

 

TOO  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.	in addition; also; furthermore; moreover: young, clever, and rich too.

 

2.	to an excessive extent or degree; beyond what is desirable, fitting, or right: too sick to travel.

 

3.	more, as specified, than should be: too near the fire.

 

4.	(used as an affirmative to contradict a negative statement): I am too!

 

5.	extremely; very: She wasn't too pleased with his behavior.

—Idiom

6.	only too. only (def. 10).       Rant over. I feel better. You know you do too. ;) (haha you know you loved how I threw that in there)